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Burberry McGarrett

Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 1

Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time They Did)

Are you wondering who/what Burberry McGarrett is? Need a refresher? Click here.

The First Time They Didn’t

Burberry McGarrett sighed dramatically as he readjusted himself for what felt like the twentieth time that hour. He was starting to lose feeling in his arse. The lounge chair he’d set up on the exclusive North Shore beach (to which he’d surreptitiously gained access earlier in the day) was comfortable enough – but he had two problems.

First, his swim shorts – they were a little tight. They’d looked alright when he’d ordered them online from internationaljock.com, but he either had the sizing wrong or they’d shrunk — or something. They were riding frighteningly low on his hips and dangerously high up his thighs. The more he moved around in his seat the greater danger of a “wardrobe malfunction” and, well, that was best avoided on a high-end resort beach such as this.

His second, and frankly, more distressing problem, was that he didn’t want to leave his deck chair until he found a way to apply sunscreen to his back. Having been raised in the semi-tropical climate of eastern Australia and indoctrinated at an early age to Slip!Slop!Slap! with a high-level SPF sunscreen to prevent skin cancer, he couldn’t in good conscience expose the central area of his back to direct sunlight without protection.

He’d spent a good portion of the morning applying the sunscreen himself, where he could reach. Starting with his face and being sure to get behind his ears, he’d moved on, massaging into the back of his neck and tops of his shoulders, taking extra special care with the skin decorated by his tattoos, colorfully shimmering in the sunlight. Moving on down each of his arms, he finished up by rubbing his hands together to rid himself of the excess lotion before he picked up the bottle again. Squirting a fresh dollop of cream into his palm, he gently slapped it onto his chest, and began rubbing it into his skin in slow circles. Running his fingertips along the ridges of his collarbone, he let the pads of his fingers glide smoothly up and down the sinews of his neck before heading back down to his sternum. He huffed out a breath as he moved the palms of his hands across his pectorals, moving slowly down his sides towards his hips. He hated this part, really, and he hoped no one was watching. It just wouldn’t do to have anyone realize how incredibly ticklish he was.

Fighting to keep the corners of his mouth curled down as he worked, he firmly stroked at the muscled area between his ribs and made a quick swipe over his belly button. He looked down at his stomach as he idly smeared the lotion around his hipbones. The muscles of his lower belly, long and lean from his new workout regimen, bunched slightly as the cool lotion slid over his skin. He shrugged, pondering his abs. Though well-defined, they weren’t as prominent as they used to be, but it hadn’t hurt his success with the ladies, he thought with a smile.

Finishing up on his hips, he turned his palms in towards his stomach and slipped his fingertips under the waistband of his shorts. He easily slid his hands around his sides until they touched at the small of his back. Pulling his fingers back out of his trunks and shaking them, he rubbed the leftover sunscreen on his knees and grabbed the bottle. Once again filling his palm, he began the long job of evenly applying the lotion to his legs. His thighs and knees were easy enough, a few quick passes of his hands over each of his thighs, but he felt awkward, not to mention highly mistrustful of his body-hugging, colorful swim trunks, as he folded his leg up towards his chest in order to apply the sunscreen to his calves and feet. Wrapping his large hands around his muscular calf muscle and pushing down towards his ankle, he took his heel in one hand and pushed his fingertips down the top of his foot, curving around his arch, and back up, spreading his fingers and sliding them gently over and between his toes. Finishing up, he thought about trying to twist his arm behind him to attempt to get his back, but he wasn’t about to make a fool of himself in public – and again, there were these skintight swim shorts to consider.

Disgruntled, he flopped back on the chair and surveyed his fellow beach-goers behind his silver ray-ban aviators. There weren’t many others on the beach this time of day. A slender blonde out jogging caught his attention, but he kept his face still and forward as he tracked her progress across the beach, only moving his eyes. Her sporty two-piece and water-socks were a dark navy blue and the look on her face was one of grim determination as she ran awkwardly through the sand. As she passed him, she slowed to a stop and he noticed her cat-like blue eyes widen as she looked right at him, her hands fluttering up to her hair to straighten her scraggly ponytail. For a minute it looked like she would bolt, but she took a deep breath, straightened her slim shoulders, and steadily approached him. Burberry’s mind was flying – it was obvious this woman thought she knew him – but he had no idea who she was.

“Steve, hi! I didn’t expect to see you until we were back in the office on Monday. I didn’t know you hung out at this beach. It’s kinda more for tourists.” She paused, as if waiting for him to say something. At his lack of response, she suddenly gasped, bug-eyed. “Ohmygosh you probably come here to avoid locals and… People you know..?” she trailed off, looking sheepish. Throwing her hands up in the air she rolled her eyes. “And here I am, totally..” she sighed, “Way to go, Lori!” she finished, obviously flustered.

Reminding himself to keep his voice in a flat American accent like his brother, he dived right in. “No, no, it’s ok,” Burberry said to her. So this was the Lori Weston he’d heard so much about – the newest member of the Five-0 team – perhaps he could use this chance meeting to his advantage. Struck by inspiration, he held up the bottle of sunblock and gave it a little shake. “You got a minute?”

Approximately twenty seconds later…

Burberry sighed happily to himself. The lotion felt wonderfully cool on his overheated skin. Lori’s hands were soft and gentle (no gun callouses on her dainty hands, he happily observed) and she was obligingly chattering on about the latest facial recognition software the CIA had developed – and that the Five-0 task force was beta testing.

Lori had started with his shoulders, hands trembling slightly as they spread slowly over his shoulder blades. As she took the opportunity to knead the large muscles that lined his ribs, her eyes drifted downwards towards the elastic of his swim trunks. She blinked once, again, and then shook her head. Was that a tattoo on his lower back poking out of those shorts? Her eyes widened, and as she mouthed “OH MY GOD,” her hands stilled.

“You OK back there?” Burberry’s question interrupted her reverie.

“Uh… yeah… ok, Steve, yeah. Thanks. Great. I mean. Just fine!” She winced at her own awkwardness. Her hands, moving of their own volition and slick with suntan oil, slipped over the vertical mountains of muscle lining his back from his shoulder blades down to his waist and crashed into each other in the valley of his spine. She jumped in surprise and cleared her throat, attempting to re-focus on the task at hand.

Burberry chuckled to himself. Seems as if Officer Weston was developing a bit of a crush on her boss. How interesting.

They made some small talk on the weather as Lori finished up, and Burberry thanked her politely, but added, “probably best if we don’t mention this back at the office, ok?”

Her face fell a little, but she nodded firmly, meeting his eyes. “Roger that.”

Waving as she jogged off, Burberry stretched contentedly and watched her go. This little encounter might make his brother’s work life a little more complicated (not to mention any lasting effects on Ms. Weston herself) but he felt so good, it was really hard to care. Flipping over onto his stomach, he pulled down his shorts as far as he dared, and soaked up the rays.

Part 2 Right Here!

Feedback is appreciated – Thank you.


About SJ2

I am good with: Details, Bad Ideas, Hilarity, Sarcasm and Overthinking! I kid because I care!


47 thoughts on “Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 1

  1. Wardrobe malfunction….ticklish….hipbones……………..

    You just killered me dead!

    (air hearts from the floor)

    Posted by Andr3a | April 2, 2012, 8:01 pm
    My crush on Burberry McG grows daily…

    the epic sunscreen application… internationaljock… Slip!Slop!Slap!…
    rubbing it into his skin in slow circles… she mouthed “OH MY GOD”

    But the best, the ABSOLUTE BEST, is:
    “the vertical mountains of muscle lining his back from his shoulder blades down to his waist and crashed into each other in the valley of his spine”

    I have nothing but REAL LOVE for you Steph. REAL LOVE.

    Posted by heymomo | April 2, 2012, 8:36 pm
    • 4 previous versions of this comment in my spam folder… WHY WORDPRESS WHY??? the only diff I see is the lack of “.com” after internationaljock. So weird!!

      But Thank you… your perseverance means the world to me. I’m glad you told me your favorite parts… the slow circles line… as Toast would say, “it really sells it.” 😉

      REAL LOVE MOMO!! Thanks again.

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 2, 2012, 10:27 pm
      • I think the dot com is what did it. I tried different punctuation, thinking maybe I was confusing it with too many quotation marks… finally ditched the dot com. I’ve learned now!

        Posted by heymomo | April 3, 2012, 6:19 am
  3. O.M.G.!! I love it! You’re amazing Stephanie – I can’t wait for Part 2!
    I love that Burberry McG doesn’t hide his tatts 🙂 (or anything else in those shorts….) 🙂

    Posted by ldnjj | April 2, 2012, 10:46 pm
  4. All this n@ked skin, lotion rubbing, small size, shrunken, little tight, body hugging, skin tight, swim shorts and things has got my mind in such a blurr…….I just need some clarica on the tattoo’s. Are they exactly the same as McG’s or is he hiding some – the lower back tattoo that he couldn’t resist getting?. If so, did Burberry get them to confuse people he encounter (kind of the ultimate alibi/disguise)? Or was he so envious of his twin that he just had to have it? Sorry to ask, I just need a full picture of what I’m seeing here….you know, for FULL SATISFACTION!!

    From the picture, I gather he at least wears sunglasses, not like his brother that is barely seen wearing any……

    “no gun callouses on her dainty hands”……epic

    Posted by FOYeur | April 2, 2012, 11:43 pm
    • Hmm… good questions… the tatts are exactly the same as McG’s… including the lower back tattoo which in my mind, McG has, it’s just smaller and usually hidden by his pants or shorts. We know McG has the tattoo because we’ve seen it a few times! When we don’t see it… must be light playing tricks on our eyes, or something like that. McG definitely has a lower back tattoo in my mind. 😉

      Burberry & Steve McG are twin brothers and the twin bond is a mysterious one! Like any long-lost twins who meet up after a lifetime of seperation, they discover eerie similarities – in my mind, the tattoos are one of those similarities. Weird, huh??

      Burberry is an international man of mystery so sunglasses (any kind of glasses, really) feature prominently in his wardrobe…

      Click in the toolbar on the right to see all my posts in the “Burberry McGarrett” Category — he’s kind of a bad guy, but we love him anyway. 😉

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 3, 2012, 4:20 pm
      • If you make Burberry angsty and emo and tortured-like then I just know I’ll give him a free pass….lol and I’ll say lame stuff like, deep down he’s a good person.

        “When we don’t see it… must be light playing tricks on our eyes, or something like that”
        Love. It.

        Posted by Infant_Sardonic | April 4, 2012, 2:13 am
      • Thanks for the clarica on the tattoo’s….kinda, what I thought I saw. Now my mind can wonder off in peace to a place of body rubbing and the smell of sunscreen lotion and readjusting……

        Posted by FOYeur | April 4, 2012, 7:30 am
  5. This is BRILLIANT, Steph J.
    I’ve been crying with laughter. (Family think I’m mad but someone said ‘Bet its something about Hawaii 5-0’ – sussed!).
    I was reading, expecting a plot and the application of suncream just went on and on and on. I think the Steve lovers have got very hot under the collar (and me a little bit).
    Love the link to International jock.com.
    Wonderful stuff, can’t wait for more.

    Posted by Mary Jane | April 3, 2012, 2:23 am
    • Thanks MJ! OK — that link — that was quite the fun morning searching department store websites for men’s swim trunks. Then, when I saw *that web address* well — it’s pretty perfect, like, if I was going to pick the name of a pretentious men’s clothing website where my debonair super spy character did his online clothes shopping — that’s the name of the website I hope I could have invented!!

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 3, 2012, 4:27 pm
  6. This was pretty epic Steph. I mean even my infant brain went off to a fantasy land where it’s my job to slip slop slap sunscreen on some Aussie dude. 😉

    Also, I loved the slip slop slap ad. Can I pretend that little ad was a shout out to me and my sunscreen rants on sardonic some time ago? 😛

    Posted by Infant_Sardonic | April 3, 2012, 3:29 am
    • Oh Gracie….if it wasn’t for you we Americans wouldn’t even know about Australians fear of the sun….ITS ALL YOU BABY!!

      Posted by LaHagela (The Tinkler) | April 3, 2012, 8:05 am
    • Justine is correct Grace. I love that Burberry is from Australia so that I can use all the knowledge you have given me in these stories.

      He has told me that he doesn’t like rugby but he has not told me… who his favorite footy team is, the ba$tard.

      Glad Infant Brain enjoyed the vacation… who knows who you will meet on the beach in Hawaii, huh? 😀

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 3, 2012, 4:30 pm
      • Steph, I am so glad my rants end up being useful. 🙂 Hopefully I’ll be able to teach you some other interesting things. As for Burberry not disclosing his footy team, well, as a international man of mystery he has to keep something close to the chest I suppose.

        Justine, haha have I made it seem like we don’t go outside without sunscreen, hats, tshirts and umbrellas? Well we just don’t go outside at all. 😛

        Posted by Infant_Sardonic | April 4, 2012, 1:41 am
  7. I will be back to comment after I’ve had a cold shower.

    Posted by westy | April 3, 2012, 5:48 am
  8. I’m going to need a while to recover from paragraphs four to six. Oh the visuals… asdjskaldjskaljkaldjsk

    I love this. I love this so much. I want to watch *this* instead of Real H50.

    Poor Lori with her bad hair and awkward running. But still… she got to rub suncream into BBMcG AND McG carried her down a mountain so… no, I’ve got no sympathy.

    Posted by aliciad71 | April 4, 2012, 8:30 am
    • No sympathy for poor Lori, she had her fun before she set sail. I only have pity for poor Steve McG who is so kind and noble, so hot and so uninsterested in available girls who fall hook line & sinker for his hot twin brother. 😉

      I am glad you liked, Alicia thank you for the feedback.

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 4, 2012, 4:46 pm
  9. I still LOL every time I see “Burberry” … LOL!! OH, I love him so. And how much do I love someone that is not Team Alex/McG can describe his every muscle so well. So.freakin.well.

    *off to the shower again*

    Also, my alt ending to this story is Lori not being able to handle the hotness that she just encountered waded out awkwardly into the ocean and was never heard from again. Thirty years later McG gets a random thought…I wonder whatever happened to that Lori chick? About that time Cath brings him his morning cup of coffee (with creamer) that he likes to enjoy after his morning swim and she slips in beside him on the deck chair. “What were you thinking about”, she asks. “Nothing important” he says as he slides his arm around her and they sit back watching the ocean waves crash on their shoreline…Life is Good.

    Posted by Princess Buttercup (ESS) @H50BAMF | April 4, 2012, 9:27 am
  10. Did I just read a semi-soft p0rn description of Burberry lathering himself with sunscreen? Why yes. Yes I did. And now he is unapologetically assuming the role of Steve to get Lori’s help in applying to the unreachable areas. I’m going to enjoy this fanfic, I can tell.

    Posted by spurschick | April 6, 2012, 8:19 am
  11. Oh, and my favorite words in this post are “surreptitiously” and “sinews.”

    Posted by spurschick | April 6, 2012, 8:23 am


  1. Pingback: Burberry McGarrett’s Epic Origin Story (A Villain Appears…) « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 3, 2012

  2. Pingback: Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 2 « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 3, 2012

  3. Pingback: Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 3 « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 4, 2012

  4. Pingback: Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 4 « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 6, 2012

  5. Pingback: Five Times The Five-0s Didn’t Know They were Dealing with Burberry McGarrett (and One Time they Did) Part 5 « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 6, 2012

  6. Pingback: The One Time they Did (And Now the Conclusion…) « Junk Kicker's #H50 Junk Drawer - April 9, 2012

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