Are you wondering who/what Burberry McGarrett is? Need a refresher? Click here.
The Fifth Time They Didn’t
“What the hell is the matter with you?” Danny Williams’ voice rang out, sing-song fashion, across the bookstore, attracting disapproving attention from the other shoppers — which he didn’t seem to notice.
Burberry froze momentarily, knowing instinctively the outburst was meant for him. He’d been caught in a moment of self-indulgence. He was a published author and been perusing the shelves, looking for his latest book and had been pleased to see it recommended by the staff of the independent bookstore. He’d paused to read their hand-written review on the index card taped to the display when Detective Williams voice had interrupted.
Published anonymously of course, Burberry’s memoir of his early years learning the ropes of the international high crime scene was called “Criminality for Dummies” and sat at the top of the New York Times Best Seller’s list of non-fiction for a couple months back in 2006. His second book, also published anonymously, resulted in an Oprah’s Book Club selection entitled “Living & Loving on the Down Low,” a guide to conducting simultaneous love affairs, operating various criminal enterprises in multiple locations whilst avoiding local law enforcement, and performing an assortment of esoteric Australian sexual techniques. Oprah had stridently panned it as a shocking throwback of male Neanderthal behavior (while GQ, Maxim and Playboy had praised it for all the same reasons). As a result, “Living & Loving on The Down Low” entered the cultural mainstream and Burberry had received the largest legitimate pay day of his entire life. The royalties alone would keep him in Bentley sedans, Rolex watches, and a variety of secret, exotic locales in perpetuity.
But before he could enjoy that glorious future, he had to get out of the situation in which he currently found himself: Trapped in a Honolulu bookstore with Detective Danny Williams bearing down on him.
“I said what is the matter with you! You send me a text telling me to get to HQ on the double and I turn around to find you standing in the self-help section of the — which, let me tell you, I am pleased to see — acknowledging your need for help, because you need it my friend, truly you –”
“Danny,” Burberry interrupted, doing his best to keep his face straight and his voice flat. He had learned enough from observing his brother and Danny bickering in the tailor’s shop to know that his best strategy here was to deflect insults, answer questions with questions and generally be a smart-ass while using the least amount of words possible. He crossed his arms. “What are you doing here?”
Detective Williams didn’t respond immediately, also crossing his arms while gesturing towards the copy of “Living & Loving” that Burberry held in his hand. “You buying this book?”
“I’m not gonna buy this book, Danny.”
“Why not, you seemed very interested in this book; you are, in fact, still holding this book.” Danny took the hardcover from Burberry’s hands and paused for a moment. When Burberry didn’t respond, Danny shook his head. Reading the title, he raised his eyebrows, nodding. “Hmm. I see…”
“What does that mean? You know, Danny, you don’t see…”
“No, no, I think I do — I think –” Danny leaned in to emphasize his point and suddenly stopped, his hands and face well into Burberry’s personal space. He sniffed. “Wait, wait a– are you wearing cologne?”
Burberry threw up his hands in frustration – this was not going well. “We need to get to work-”
“Is Catherine in town? But you don’t wear cologne when Catherine is in town.” Danny glanced back down at the book in his hands and quickly back up into Burberry’s eyes. “Are you, are you stepping out-”
“Aw, crap” thought Burberry. “Who the hell is Catherine?” He rubbed his eyes in frustration. “No Danny, I’m not ‘stepping out’…” Burberry said, in what he hoped passed for his brother’s exasperated tone.
Danny took a deep breath. Burberry could almost see him mentally counting to ten. “Now, uh, I know I’m not exactly the, right person to uh, I mean, I don’t have a lot of room to- ”
“But, you’ve, you’ve given me some good advice in the past–”
“And, as your friend, really, as your friend, I’d hate to see you–”
“Please stop talking,” Burberry dropped his head into his hands. “I will literally pay you cash to stop talking.”
Danny grinned ruefully at him. “Is that where we are now, this so bad you’re pulling out the greatest hits?”
Burberry looked balefully back up at Danny. “Didn’t you say something about going in to work?”
That got Danny’s attention and reanimated him. “Yes, I get a text from you, on my day off, when I’m out shopping for Gracie’s birthday present, a very nice text from you that states, ‘get 2 hq stat’ so what do I do, I turn to go and there you are, standing in the self-help section of Auntie’s Bookstore holding the how-to manual on cheating and getting away with it, wearing a suit, my god, what sort of detective am I that I just now noticed you are wearing a suit? And you’re wearing cologne and …. are those glasses in your handkerchief pocket?”
“Just vanity frames…” Burberry interjected meekly but wished he’d kept his mouth shut when Danny’s response was to flap his arms wildly back and forth in front of him and continue to yell.
“Are you having a mid-life crisis? Vanity frames? Are you kidding me? That’s not you. Steve McGarrett doesn’t wear…” Danny trailed off with a defeated expression on his face, gesturing weakly towards Burberry. “This… this… you didn’t even make a ’book ‘em Danno’ joke and I gave you the perfect set-up earlier… Just tell me you don’t have cancer, please, babe. Help me out here.”
Burberry sighed deeply. Less than two minutes with Danny Williams and his cover was so blown. His only chance now was to bluster his way out of this situation and do a better job of staying off the grid in the future. No more endless rounds of cosmos for the girls in the VIP lounge at the Pearl. No more Porche rentals and late night cruising down Ala Moana. No more trips to the bookstore. Deciding that the best defense was a good offense, Burberry took a deep breath and pulling himself to full height, crossed his arms across his chest and flexed in such a way that even through his suit jacket it communicated, “play time’s over, bitch.” He huffed out a breath through his nostrils, flaring them slightly.
Putting a little edge into his voice, he challenged, “Danny, I’ll bet that even if we both leave right now, I will beat you back to headquarters. I’ll even have changed back into my work clothes by then-“
“What do you mean work clothes you just mean clothes right? Your work clothes are your clothes clothes… You don’t wear, what is that, a Prada suit? Every day. Any day!”
“Ha ha very funny. And this is a Fendi, really Danny.”
“Fine, fine, whatever – but we are talking later – about all this, this is not over.”
“No, Danny. No, it’s not.”
Click Here to Read the conclusion: The One Time they Did
Author’s Notes: You gotta believe me. I tried for DAYS to figure out how the scene back at HQ with Steve & Danny went down… but it was… obviously just too epic for me to handle at this point in my writing career. I think Burberry wouldn’t let me write a scene he’s not in. 😉
I also couldn’t find the right sort of picture to illustrate for this one (though Ess did provide me with a number of nice shots of Alex/McGarrett holding a book). However, here is the one that inspired me – Suit Wearing Alex & Cranky Casual Scott! Just imagine them standing, no microphones, no water bottles. Alex has a book in his hand. That’s my scene! 😀
And here’s a ranty/concerned Danno & a stern-looking, suited McGarrett…
Thank you all for your patience & support as I experimented with different types of stories this week… writing is a hobby that I haven’t indulged in over 10 years… so this has been very meaningful for me, even though my only goal was to write cracky badfic about my original male character. 😉 This scene is as close as I’ve ever come to writing actual Steve / Danny banter so I’d appreciate it if you have any constructive criticism to please let me know, either in the comments or email. This week has been amazing for me you guys, I can’t even tell you how wonderful you have all been and how great you’ve made me feel. Unending Thanks and as we say REAL LOVE to each & every one of you.