Are you wondering who/what Burberry McGarrett is? Need a refresher? Click here.
The One Time They Did
Steve McGarrett stared in disbelief at the records Chin Ho had pulled up from the Interpol Database and spread across the many monitors of the Five-0 bullpen. He opened his mouth, closed it, rubbed his face. Turning towards Danny, he spread his arms wide. “A twin brother? Really?”
“Apparently so,” Danny said slowly. Steve glared back at the monitor, like he could force it to make sense with the power of his stare. “Don’t do that,” Danny ordered. “Don’t blame yourself. Who was gonna assume ‘evil twin’ was part of the equation?” Steve didn’t have a response for that. As he shifted to rest his hip on the side of the tech table, Danny continued, “It still doesn’t explain why – you remember that tourist, the other month, the Italian grandma who witnessed the bank robbery in Kalihi Heights? We took her statement and she was convinced you had liberated her village during World War Two…”
The skin between Steve’s eyebrows furrowed. “That lady was practically senile, Danno.”
“Her witness statement checked out. What about Stan’s business associate from LA? That guy thought you were a private investigator back on the mainland!”
“That guy had just finished a three martini lunch.” Steve quirked his head to the side and attempted a scowl. “And I just have one of those faces.”
Danny chuckled, “Suuuure you do, buddy. Just how many versions of you are there?”
Steve gave a small smile, looking back at the computer table, his eyes crinkling with the confused emotion Danny had come to recognize as Steve’s default response to the questions he couldn’t answer about his family. Ever since that Friday afternoon when Steve had called Danny into headquarters and Danny had come in, yelling his head off about suits and books and partners with split personalities, it had set off a manhunt of epic proportions and resulted in this briefing Chin Ho had prepared.
According to the highly classified documents, Burberry McGarrett had been born in Honolulu on the same evening in March that Steve knew was his birth date and time. Burberry McGarrett’s birth certificate was an exact match to Steve’s own, except for the notation that Steve had been born first – so his certificate was labeled “Baby A,” whereas Shelburne Burberry McGarrett was “Baby B.”
There was no explanation for why the McGarretts had given up the infant almost immediately and sent him out of the country. The next paper in the file was the form authorizing Burberry’s transfer into the Australian foster care system. The records went on to show Burberry McGarrett had been raised in Sydney and schooled in Canberra. Chin made sure Burberry’s extensive alleged criminal record – including art thefts, jewel heists, money laundering, drug trafficking and gun running – were up front and center, in case Steve was getting any sentimental ideas about how this family reunion would go down.
In truth, there had never been any hard evidence that Burberry was part of any criminal enterprise at all. Just a lot of hearsay, conjecture, and well, enough circumstantial evidence that even the Federal Judges most cynical of the Five-0’s usually far-fetched warrant requests granted everything they asked for.
They needed to collect evidence Burberry was indeed involved in illegal activity, so would have to catch him in the act. A tip from Kamekona pointed them in the direction of a warehouse in a quiet corner of Honolulu Harbor. The Five-0s spent the greater portion of the next work-week researching Burberry and planning a sting operation. Everything had to be perfect so was planned down to the smallest detail, incorporating HPD, military and the local federal agencies interested in questioning Burberry once captured. The raid was planned for first light, the next Sunday morning…
Burberry strolled into the Five-0 Headquarters on Saturday night, dressed to the nines, and introduced himself — kissing the hands Kono and Malia (who had stopped by to bring Chin and the team some dinner) and nodding a polite “g’day” to Max, Chin, Danny and Steve.
For a moment, nobody moved, or said anything.
Eventually, Kono cleared her throat and broke the silence. “Nice accent,” she offered, a suspicious glance in her eye. She was the only one of the Five-0s currently wearing their sidearm and her hand twitched towards it, but she settled it onto her hip instead.
“Yeah. Sexy.” Malia squeaked out.
“Indeed,” chimed in Max, “the subtle accent of the residents of Southeast Australia has been shown to produce a beguiling effect within a significant portion of the North American female–”
“Thank you. Max.” Steve ground out, still frozen in place, staring at Burberry.
Danny and Chin briefly made eye contact, unsure if Steve wanted them to try arrest his prodigal brother or see how this played out. There was another moment of awkward silence.
Suddenly laughing sharply, Kono broke it, saying, “I agree with Malia. And Max.”
“Why thank you, Officer!” Burberry exclaimed brightly at the same time Steve gives Kono an eye roll as if to say “not now, Kono,” but whatever effect he hoped it would have – didn’t. Kono gets Max to continue his explanation and he quickly launched into an extended discussion of a recent study showing how American women found Australian accents attractive.
Burberry sighed happily. “Such a relief to finally be able to use my accent, mate,” he said, addressing Danny. “It’s haaad word imper-” he paused, chuckling before he continued, “speaking with an American accent.”
“I could arrest you for impersonating an officer of the law,” Danny volunteers, knowing it’s a weak play. They didn’t have any proof Burberry had done that. They didn’t have any proof Burberry had done anything.
“Naw, mate, I wouldn’t- I would never!” Burberry sidled up to Danny, smiling broadly. “I may ‘ave been mistaken for my brother here a time or two, but never in… an official capacity.” He smirked and looked around the room. “Speaking of… where’s um…” he snapped his fingers a couple times and quirked an eyebrow. “Blonde Sheila, skinny bird, excellent with her hands…”
“Lori?” Danny and Chin chorused at the same time Kono and Max exclaimed “Ohhhh!!” and shared a significant look.
Steve, who’s rocking his constipated face pretty hard at this point, takes a deep breath like he’s about to say something, but nothing comes out. Everyone turns towards him and he shrugs a little and swallows, hard. Burberry goes quiet, only a slight quiver in his jawline betraying any emotion at all.
“So,” Steve finally gets out. “Australia? You like the Crocodile Hunter or something?” Everyone laughs a little too hard, out of relief.
Chin Ho smiles, “Seriously, brah, you can tell the difference between his accent and Crocodile Hunter can’t you?” Steve smiles again, a little bigger this time, rolling his eyes.
“Really, Steve,” Danny piles on, “you must know something about Australia.”
“Sure, sure,” Steve conceded. “I’ve been to Australia before.” His tone is such that the Five-0s know there’s no point in asking when or where or why Steve’s been to Australia before.
Burberry, however, has no such compunction. Steve his shocked to see that in response to his terse, “It’s classified” reply, Burberry seems to know all about “Operation Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts” anyway.
“That’s a rubbish name for an operation,” Burberry challenges, “you know that, right?”
Steve, his forehead vein bulging dangerously, is unable to stop himself from responding, “we called it Toe-Fog. T – O – F –” He waved his hands dismissively. “It worked just fine.”
“You know that wanker Crowe isn’t even Australian?” Burberry huffed out.
There’s a long pause. Steve scratches the back of his neck, looking sheepish and asks, “he’s not?”
Burberry is horrified to learn that his long lost brother’s knowledge of Australia is all from American popular culture, annoyingly starting with “blooming onion,” irritatingly progressing into “it’s Australian for beer” and finally degenerating (in true McGarrett fashion) into “THIS is a knife” at which point they need to be physically separated for as long as it takes the ambulance to arrive. Danny gets Steve into one corner of the room, loudly lecturing him about maybe finding his topper switch and setting it to “off” sometimes. Burberry lets Kono manhandle him into the opposite corner a little more roughly than is strictly necessary. Their shirts are in tatters, but no stitches are required anywhere below the belt. This doesn’t prevent Burberry from removing his Gucci slacks anyway, ostensibly to protect them from blood stains, but with the added bonus of showing off his intricate and colorful tribal back tattoo. Danny takes one look at it and starts spluttering, pointing back and forth between Steve and Burberry, unable to get a coherent sentence together. Steve is beside himself, blushing to the tips of his ears. Chin takes Malia (who’s been intently checking Burberry for cuts and bruises) by the hand and heads for the exit. Max and Kono are suddenly very busy at the tech table.
The Five-0s go ahead with their raid at the warehouse the next morning (the other agencies involved insisted) but they find nothing. Burberry hangs around, answering everybody’s questions, but the trail runs cold. The other agencies depart for the mainland and Five-0 is assigned other cases.
Burberry becomes a frequent visitor at Five-0 Headquarters. Whenever he drops by, he’s wearing glasses – Burberry quips he wears them so people “can tell him apart from Superman” – which Steve finds incredibly frustrating as his boy scout honor code prevents him from hitting a guy with glasses, even fake ones.
At first, things were touch and go between the brothers. Burberry would show up, he and Steve would have a good conversation, and then Burberry would be seen in the general vicinity of a break-in or a shoot-out and it was back to square one. Eventually, and without any of the professional help Danny kept offering to pay for, Steve and Burberry did make peace with each other, in their way. Burberry managed week-long stretches where he wasn’t linked to any criminal activity at all. And at the end of those weeks, he would ask Steve if he and Danny wanted to go out and grab a drink with Adam and the guys and Steve would say, “okay.”
1. Apparently there needs to be a tag that means “I meant this to be funny but it kept coming out emo.” Sorry!
2. Really did mean to publish this on Saturday (and then on Sunday) but… really… I had a hard time wanting this to be over. Also, I don’t like the ending I have so I kept trying to change it. But this is the ending we got.
3. Love you all! SO MUCH.
Happy H50 Monday!