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Burberry McGarrett

The One Time they Did (And Now the Conclusion…)

Are you wondering who/what Burberry McGarrett is? Need a refresher? Click here.

Click Here to read Part One
Click Here to read Part Two
Click Here to read Part Three
Click Here to read Part Four
Click Here to read Part Five

The One Time They Did

Steve McGarrett stared in disbelief at the records Chin Ho had pulled up from the Interpol Database and spread across the many monitors of the Five-0 bullpen. He opened his mouth, closed it, rubbed his face. Turning towards Danny, he spread his arms wide. “A twin brother? Really?”

“Apparently so,” Danny said slowly. Steve glared back at the monitor, like he could force it to make sense with the power of his stare. “Don’t do that,” Danny ordered. “Don’t blame yourself. Who was gonna assume ‘evil twin’ was part of the equation?” Steve didn’t have a response for that. As he shifted to rest his hip on the side of the tech table, Danny continued, “It still doesn’t explain why – you remember that tourist, the other month, the Italian grandma who witnessed the bank robbery in Kalihi Heights? We took her statement and she was convinced you had liberated her village during World War Two…”

The skin between Steve’s eyebrows furrowed. “That lady was practically senile, Danno.”

“Her witness statement checked out. What about Stan’s business associate from LA? That guy thought you were a private investigator back on the mainland!”

“That guy had just finished a three martini lunch.” Steve quirked his head to the side and attempted a scowl. “And I just have one of those faces.”

Danny chuckled, “Suuuure you do, buddy. Just how many versions of you are there?”

Steve gave a small smile, looking back at the computer table, his eyes crinkling with the confused emotion Danny had come to recognize as Steve’s default response to the questions he couldn’t answer about his family. Ever since that Friday afternoon when Steve had called Danny into headquarters and Danny had come in, yelling his head off about suits and books and partners with split personalities, it had set off a manhunt of epic proportions and resulted in this briefing Chin Ho had prepared.

According to the highly classified documents, Burberry McGarrett had been born in Honolulu on the same evening in March that Steve knew was his birth date and time. Burberry McGarrett’s birth certificate was an exact match to Steve’s own, except for the notation that Steve had been born first – so his certificate was labeled “Baby A,” whereas Shelburne Burberry McGarrett was “Baby B.”

There was no explanation for why the McGarretts had given up the infant almost immediately and sent him out of the country. The next paper in the file was the form authorizing Burberry’s transfer into the Australian foster care system. The records went on to show Burberry McGarrett had been raised in Sydney and schooled in Canberra. Chin made sure Burberry’s extensive alleged criminal record – including art thefts, jewel heists, money laundering, drug trafficking and gun running – were up front and center, in case Steve was getting any sentimental ideas about how this family reunion would go down.

In truth, there had never been any hard evidence that Burberry was part of any criminal enterprise at all. Just a lot of hearsay, conjecture, and well, enough circumstantial evidence that even the Federal Judges most cynical of the Five-0’s usually far-fetched warrant requests granted everything they asked for.

They needed to collect evidence Burberry was indeed involved in illegal activity, so would have to catch him in the act. A tip from Kamekona pointed them in the direction of a warehouse in a quiet corner of Honolulu Harbor. The Five-0s spent the greater portion of the next work-week researching Burberry and planning a sting operation. Everything had to be perfect so was planned down to the smallest detail, incorporating HPD, military and the local federal agencies interested in questioning Burberry once captured. The raid was planned for first light, the next Sunday morning…

Burberry strolled into the Five-0 Headquarters on Saturday night, dressed to the nines, and introduced himself — kissing the hands Kono and Malia (who had stopped by to bring Chin and the team some dinner) and nodding a polite “g’day” to Max, Chin, Danny and Steve.

For a moment, nobody moved, or said anything.

Eventually, Kono cleared her throat and broke the silence. “Nice accent,” she offered, a suspicious glance in her eye. She was the only one of the Five-0s currently wearing their sidearm and her hand twitched towards it, but she settled it onto her hip instead.

“Yeah. Sexy.” Malia squeaked out.

“Indeed,” chimed in Max, “the subtle accent of the residents of Southeast Australia has been shown to produce a beguiling effect within a significant portion of the North American female–”

“Thank you. Max.” Steve ground out, still frozen in place, staring at Burberry.

Danny and Chin briefly made eye contact, unsure if Steve wanted them to try arrest his prodigal brother or see how this played out. There was another moment of awkward silence.

Suddenly laughing sharply, Kono broke it, saying, “I agree with Malia. And Max.”

“Why thank you, Officer!” Burberry exclaimed brightly at the same time Steve gives Kono an eye roll as if to say “not now, Kono,” but whatever effect he hoped it would have – didn’t. Kono gets Max to continue his explanation and he quickly launched into an extended discussion of a recent study showing how American women found Australian accents attractive.

Burberry sighed happily. “Such a relief to finally be able to use my accent, mate,” he said, addressing Danny. “It’s haaad word imper-” he paused, chuckling before he continued, “speaking with an American accent.”

“I could arrest you for impersonating an officer of the law,” Danny volunteers, knowing it’s a weak play. They didn’t have any proof Burberry had done that. They didn’t have any proof Burberry had done anything.

“Naw, mate, I wouldn’t- I would never!” Burberry sidled up to Danny, smiling broadly. “I may ‘ave been mistaken for my brother here a time or two, but never in… an official capacity.” He smirked and looked around the room. “Speaking of… where’s um…” he snapped his fingers a couple times and quirked an eyebrow. “Blonde Sheila, skinny bird, excellent with her hands…”

“Lori?” Danny and Chin chorused at the same time Kono and Max exclaimed “Ohhhh!!” and shared a significant look.

Steve, who’s rocking his constipated face pretty hard at this point, takes a deep breath like he’s about to say something, but nothing comes out. Everyone turns towards him and he shrugs a little and swallows, hard. Burberry goes quiet, only a slight quiver in his jawline betraying any emotion at all.

“So,” Steve finally gets out. “Australia? You like the Crocodile Hunter or something?” Everyone laughs a little too hard, out of relief.

Chin Ho smiles, “Seriously, brah, you can tell the difference between his accent and Crocodile Hunter can’t you?” Steve smiles again, a little bigger this time, rolling his eyes.

“Really, Steve,” Danny piles on, “you must know something about Australia.”

“Sure, sure,” Steve conceded. “I’ve been to Australia before.” His tone is such that the Five-0s know there’s no point in asking when or where or why Steve’s been to Australia before.

Burberry, however, has no such compunction. Steve his shocked to see that in response to his terse, “It’s classified” reply, Burberry seems to know all about “Operation Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts” anyway.

“That’s a rubbish name for an operation,” Burberry challenges, “you know that, right?”

Steve, his forehead vein bulging dangerously, is unable to stop himself from responding, “we called it Toe-Fog. T – O – F –” He waved his hands dismissively. “It worked just fine.”

“You know that wanker Crowe isn’t even Australian?” Burberry huffed out.

There’s a long pause. Steve scratches the back of his neck, looking sheepish and asks, “he’s not?”

Burberry is horrified to learn that his long lost brother’s knowledge of Australia is all from American popular culture, annoyingly starting with “blooming onion,” irritatingly progressing into “it’s Australian for beer” and finally degenerating (in true McGarrett fashion) into THIS is a knife at which point they need to be physically separated for as long as it takes the ambulance to arrive. Danny gets Steve into one corner of the room, loudly lecturing him about maybe finding his topper switch and setting it to “off” sometimes. Burberry lets Kono manhandle him into the opposite corner a little more roughly than is strictly necessary. Their shirts are in tatters, but no stitches are required anywhere below the belt. This doesn’t prevent Burberry from removing his Gucci slacks anyway, ostensibly to protect them from blood stains, but with the added bonus of showing off his intricate and colorful tribal back tattoo. Danny takes one look at it and starts spluttering, pointing back and forth between Steve and Burberry, unable to get a coherent sentence together. Steve is beside himself, blushing to the tips of his ears. Chin takes Malia (who’s been intently checking Burberry for cuts and bruises) by the hand and heads for the exit. Max and Kono are suddenly very busy at the tech table.

The Five-0s go ahead with their raid at the warehouse the next morning (the other agencies involved insisted) but they find nothing. Burberry hangs around, answering everybody’s questions, but the trail runs cold. The other agencies depart for the mainland and Five-0 is assigned other cases.

Burberry becomes a frequent visitor at Five-0 Headquarters. Whenever he drops by, he’s wearing glasses – Burberry quips he wears them so people “can tell him apart from Superman” – which Steve finds incredibly frustrating as his boy scout honor code prevents him from hitting a guy with glasses, even fake ones.

At first, things were touch and go between the brothers. Burberry would show up, he and Steve would have a good conversation, and then Burberry would be seen in the general vicinity of a break-in or a shoot-out and it was back to square one. Eventually, and without any of the professional help Danny kept offering to pay for, Steve and Burberry did make peace with each other, in their way. Burberry managed week-long stretches where he wasn’t linked to any criminal activity at all. And at the end of those weeks, he would ask Steve if he and Danny wanted to go out and grab a drink with Adam and the guys and Steve would say, “okay.”

THE END..?

Author’s Notes:
1. Apparently there needs to be a tag that means “I meant this to be funny but it kept coming out emo.” Sorry!
2. Really did mean to publish this on Saturday (and then on Sunday) but… really… I had a hard time wanting this to be over. Also, I don’t like the ending I have so I kept trying to change it. But this is the ending we got.
3. Love you all! SO MUCH.

Happy H50 Monday!

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About SJ2

I am good with: Details, Bad Ideas, Hilarity, Sarcasm and Overthinking! I kid because I care!

Discussion

40 thoughts on “The One Time they Did (And Now the Conclusion…)

  1. I.have.no.words.
    Not right now, but later I’m sure I’ll have something to say.
    But for now, this epic story has left me SPEECHLESS!!!!!

    Posted by westy | April 9, 2012, 7:36 am
    • I really wanna know if the Aussie stuff played well with you & Infant.

      Westy, your inspiration… your random tweet asking for more B McG from ONE MONTH ago got this whole ball rolling. I had snips & snaps of this story written here & there but now I was motivated to get this all completed.

      The paragraph of this story that begins “Burberry was horrified to learn…” is probably the oldest part of the entire story! I had it written forever ago. It may have stayed a note in my iphone forever if not for you! 😀 So thank you.

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 9, 2012, 3:38 pm
      • I am so glad I tweeted requesting some more BMcG. I wanted you to go shopping and wait in more lines and write the story on your phone.

        As for the Aussie stuff, Gracie’s reply further down says it all.

        Wait, so when you say ‘The End’ you don’t really mean ‘the END’, do you? You just mean ‘the End for now’, right? RIGHT?!?

        Posted by westy | April 10, 2012, 7:47 am
  2. Steepppphh!! ILU. Real.love.

    Your attention to detail is what makes you so amazing (among other things). I love the article on the accents. Max, you are sooo right!

    Steve & Burberry going fisticuffs…this must be what it’s like when guys yell “Girl Fight!” and they’re in their bikinis wrestling in the mud. My mental image was just that good. (No mud or bikinis needed)

    And one last gratuitous pants removal by Burberry! Score! I personally think they should have both stripped and let Kono document the similarities & differences in the two. I mean, strictly for official purposes… (may have to write that scene in my head. yep.)

    Steve not hitting Burberry because of his boy scout honor code! LMAO!! LOVE.IT.

    Do you think Burberry & Steve could go out trolling for women? I mean, Steve could be his wingman because you know, Steve HAS his woman. Oh I just got a mental image of a McG sandwhich. **must lie down now**

    Posted by Princess Buttercup (ESS) @H50BAMF | April 9, 2012, 8:52 am
    • That article about accents had me in hysterics! Part of wanting to get the story done was so that everyone could read it.

      Thank you for telling me your favorite parts…. Some of those parts you mention I had written so long ago I had … “gotten used” to them I guess? So to know you found them funny is so wonderful to me! I’m happyyyyyyy!!!!!!! Love you babe!!

      Now the bit about Danny & Steve hitting the town with Burberry & Adam was a very very recent addition to the story– because can you imagine those 4 guys hitting the town together? Sure, Steve could watch their coats & drinks & provide basic wingman duties while the other 3 guys break hearts left & right. I just want all 4 of them to wear nice suits & hang out together in nightclubs. Can you imagine?!?

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 9, 2012, 4:11 pm
  3. “Burberry lets Kono manhandle him into the opposite corner a little more roughly than is strictly necessary. Their shirts are in tatters, but no stitches are required anywhere below the belt.”
    What happen here….did Kono snap or did her hormones take over….what ever it was, she’s my hero – she got pantslessness on at least McG’s mirror image!! Does he also go commando like Steve?…somehow you don’t clearly state that or did I miss it?
    Steve blushing….priceless!

    Posted by FOYeur | April 9, 2012, 2:20 pm
  4. Ok where to start.
    Fav bits: (in no particular order…much like this entire comment)

    1. “As he shifted to rest his hip on the side of the tech table, Danny continued,”
    Because I could see this happening in my head and any time one pictures McG it’s gotta be a good thing,

    2. ““Australia? You like the Crocodile Hunter or something?” ”
    At least he didn’t ask, do you ride kangaroos to school, because like Alex I have been asked this question by Americans…..on two different occassions….

    3. ““we called it Toe-Fog. T – O – F –””
    I’m trying to make it through April without rewatching this movie…that did not help. 😛

    4. “Burberry is horrified to learn that his long lost brother’s knowledge of Australia is all from American popular culture”
    There, there Burberry, it’s ok.

    5. Outback steakhouse is so unAustralian…. It is not an Aussie thing to have ribs and also if the prices were Australian you’d be looking at a plate of ribs costing you upwards of 35bucks….I have also never seen a koala, let alone one up a gum tree so can neither confirm nor deny their happiness levels when up said tree.

    6. “his boy scout honor code prevents him from hitting a guy with glasses, even fake ones”
    It so would right!??!

    7. w@nker yes, skinny bird, yes and of course we say sheila. lol Speaking of w@nker I knew someone once who was called Wayne Kerr…. I don’t think his parents thought that one out…..

    Aww why did it come to an end? Why? Is there a season 2???? Did it get renewed by FKUCBS?

    Posted by Infant_Sardonic | April 10, 2012, 2:24 am
    • ““we called it Toe-Fog. T – O – F –””
      Aaaaarghhhh! I can never escape this movie!

      Hey, Gracie…I knew Wayne Kerr’s cousin, Wayne King. 🙂

      Koalas are awesome.

      Posted by westy | April 10, 2012, 7:43 am
    • 1. “As he shifted to rest his hip on the side of the tech table, Danny continued,”
      Because I could see this happening in my head and any time one pictures McG it’s gotta be a good thing
      Gracie I have pictures of him leaning his fine bum up aginst Ess!!!

      Posted by LaHagela (The Tinkler) | April 10, 2012, 3:35 pm
    • One of my bffitwww is from Sydney, born & raised (she eventually deported herself to the USA) and anything Outback Steakhouse related sends her into a fit of rage, it is hilarious. That commercial is THE WORST I could find though they are all pretty bad.

      Riding kangaroos is a good one!! Also I left out “dingo ate my baby” which is a classic. Also more Dundee quotes. Shrimp on the baaaa-beeee….

      $35 for a plate of ribs — my coworker who just got back from her vacation in NZ/Oz kept saying how she couldn’t believe how expensive things are there. I just wanted to say: USAers! Do you have any idea how *cheap* things are here compared to the rest of the world?!?!

      OH! and all the Russell Crowe stuff. That started because I wanted an Australian equivalent for “Operation Strawberry Fields” and … well, I guess in true Russell Crowe fashion just kind of got out of control & that’s what I ended up with! I didn’t even know there was a movie when I started! 😆 Now I kind of want to watch it.

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 10, 2012, 5:11 pm
      • Things are much more expensive here for sure. We are an island afterall. 😉 And our population is no where near as big as yours. America is very cheap. I intend on coming back with another bag of clothes, books, all the fun stuff…oh and I will eat my weight in ribs. 😀

        Posted by Infant_Sardonic | April 12, 2012, 4:55 am
  5. *slow clap*
    Epic. Amazing. Sublime.

    McG meets BBMcG. ALL THE FEELINGS!!

    Things I love:

    “The skin between Steve’s eyebrows furrowed”
    BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES THIS!!!

    “he shifted to rest his hip on the side of the tech table”
    *sigh* My mental picture of this is from behind. Full posterior view. I’m guessing ESS is with me on this one.

    Shelburne Burberry McGarrett
    dun dun dunnnnn… YES. Big YES. This is the answer.

    “a recent study showing how American women found Australian accents attractive”
    A really important part of this study is:
    For the speakers who were rated as “most attractive,” listeners often guessed them to be from countries like Canada… 😉

    I just about choked on my giggles over “Operation Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”

    “Steve, his forehead vein bulging dangerously…”
    BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DOES THIS!!!

    “we called it Toe-Fog. T – O – F –”
    cue the squeals of delight…

    OMG, the American pop culture version of Australia!!
    OMG, McG and BBMcG and the fisticuffs!
    OMG, BBMcG’s glasses and PANTSLESSNESS!
    OMG, the uneasy peace between the brothers!

    Please, please, this is not an end. This is merely one EPIC AWESOME story of many. Burberry is not gone, and he will not be forgotten 🙂

    Steph, have I told you lately that I have ALL THE LOVE FOR YOU?
    REAL LOVE, BABE, REAL LOVE.

    Posted by heymomo | April 10, 2012, 2:17 pm
    • holy crap that was a long comment. sorry to bogart your comment box 🙂

      Posted by heymomo | April 10, 2012, 2:19 pm
    • After I read your comments Momo I release this huge breath I realize I’ve been holding for what feels like FOREVER!    I’m going to add the ALL THE FEELINGS tag to this entry. I guess it only makes sense. Burberry McG should’t be unexpectedly emo. Just secretly emo. Like all the baddest of the bad boys. ;D   LOL oh Russell Crowe. Reinforcing all the best/worst Australian stereotypes all while not being Australian. I’m glad you enjoyed all that. This probably doesn’t make any sense, but some of those jokes I wrote even went over MY head.    Burberry is not gone, of course…. he will be around… do you think maybe he has visited Canada before???   REAL LOVE TO YOU MOMO M!!!!  Thank you thank you my friend for all your support & feedback on this endeavor! you rock. 😀     

      Posted by stephaniejane2 (The Junk Kicker) | April 12, 2012, 1:55 pm
      • And I was so late posting this comment! Sorry you had to hold your breath for so long! 🙂
        Reciprocal REAL LOVE, darlin’!
        p.s. if Burberry has been to Canada, he snuck in incognito!

        Posted by heymomo | April 13, 2012, 7:44 pm
  6. I totes want Baby A and Baby B {{snicker}} to hang out! maybe go shopping together….pick up girls together (call me) !! For a shady criminal I really really like BBMcG!! Thank you Steph!! Awesome Job!

    Posted by LaHagela (The Tinkler) | April 10, 2012, 3:36 pm
  7. “I just have one of those faces” !!!

    Kono manhandling Burberry (smart girl).

    “Burberry managed week-long stretches where he wasn’t linked to any criminal activity at all” but they were the exception right?

    Love love love this whole series, Steph. You are awesome! (but we knew that…)

    Posted by Alicia | April 11, 2012, 6:01 am
  8. Love these stories, Steph. Great finishing chapter, but please only ’til the next time.
    Shelburne – brilliant.
    Love that the 5-0’s don’t quite know what to do with him as he’s so slippery and has only been implicated in crimes by association, even though he’s involved in crime several times a week by the sound of it.
    Loved the gratuitous pantslessness (again) and that Malia had to examine him so intently. Also that all the girls fell for the accent.
    Adam fits well with Burberry – same uneasy peace.
    Wonderful, thanks so much.

    Posted by Mary Jane | April 14, 2012, 5:21 am
  9. How is it that I am only finding these now?? These are brilliant. Nobel Prize for Literature brilliant.

    And I hope Westy and Infant will forgive me, but I love the Bloomin Onion.

    Posted by Ayako T (@radochiku) | May 13, 2012, 6:28 am

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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